You can always rely on pop psychology to drain all the nuance and context from a relevant idea until it becomes meaningless. For all this trendy discussion about setting boundaries, you can hardly find two people who agree on what that actually means. This short essay is the first in a series that will attempt to provide some context and language that will help you better understand the basics of setting boundaries. However, the willingness to set them must come from you. Good luck.
The ability to consistently set boundaries is based on a single fundamental truth. There are only two types of problems in the world; yours and everyone else’s. Making other people’s problems into your problems is a recipe for suffering. If you frequently make other people’s problems into your problems, then you probably suffer a lot.
The first thing we must be able to do is distinguish between someone else’s problems and our own. That sounds simpler than it is. Here’s why. Some people are very good at making their problems into other people’s problems. That tendency is what we call manipulation or dependency depending upon who’s doing it and how it is done. Here’s how you can tell the difference between your problems and other people’s. The person who is complaining, has an unpleasant feeling, or wants something is the person with the problem.
Example: Your pain in the ass friend, Todd calls you at 9:00 on a Wednesday night to help move a couch.
Todd: “Dude, I have to get my couch out to the curb for collections tomorrow morning. It’s heavy. Can you help me out?”
You: “Come on man. It’s 9:00 at night. I have work tomorrow.”
Todd: (begging now) “Come on bro, please? I don’t know anyone else who’s strong enough to help me lift it.”
Notice his manipulative appeal to your ego by commenting on your superior strength. This is a good time to remind yourself not to be a chump.
You: “You can’t get your brother to help you? He lives with you.”
This is a tactical error on your part. The minute you start offering alternatives, you have officially made the couch into your problem. By suggesting an alternative, you have assigned yourself the task of finding a candidate to move the couch. Is your name Indeed or Linkedin? No? Ok, then you are not in charge of recruiting candidates to solve other people’s problems.
Todd: “He’s out of town.”
You: “What about that kid you work with?”
Todd: “He’s at his mom’s in Vero.”
A good manipulator will insert an uncomfortable silent pause at this juncture to allow the guilt to set in. Ultimately, you are meant to arrive at the conclusion that you are the only viable candidate. Below is what a good boundary response could look like.
You: (Appropriate Response) “I understand you want to get the couch moved but I can’t help you tonight. If you need help from me with things like this, I need to know in advance.”
Here’s what makes the last response “good.” When setting boundaries, it is important to verbally clarify whose problem this is. The statement ‘I understand you want the couch moved’ accomplishes this. This is your chance to remind Tood that this is his problem and not yours. The boundary is completed by the words ‘I can’t help you tonight.’ When saying ‘No’ it’s important to be clear and unapologetic. This is made clearer by spelling out expectations for the future. ‘If you need help with things like this, I need to know in advance.’ Now, Todd knows what you expect from him and what he can expect from you. If this comes up again, your response shouldn’t be a surprise.
Setting boundaries is more than just the ability to say “No.” It is the discipline of being able to respond consistently in a manner that creates clarity in our relationships. People often test boundaries once they’ve been set. Some folks are just pushy that way. It doesn’t necessarily make them bad people, but that trait can certainly put a strain on a relationship. Ultimately, at the end of the day, we have to be clear that we will not allow other people’s inconveniences to become our emergencies.
