“Even a dog knows the difference between being kicked and being stumbled over.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

At its core, passive aggressive behavior is veiled hostility. Think about it like fishing with a baited hook. A skilled fisher will conceal the hook’s pointy barb so that the fish can’t detect it. In the same way, skilled passive aggressive manipulators have mastered the ability to conceal aggression within benign conversation. When challenged directly, they can deny. This makes them difficult to confront and confusing to deal with. The problem is that what is implied in their communication is often quite different from what is expressed outwardly.

Here’s an example.

  • Passive Aggressive Coworker: “I’m surprised they put you on this project.”
  • (What’s Implied: They should have chosen someone else.)
  • You: “What do you mean?”
  • Passive Aggressive Coworker: “Oh nothing, it’s just that this project doesn’t seem to fit your skills sets.”
  • (What’s Implied: You’re incompetent.)
  • You: (Annoyed Now) “Well apparently management disagrees.”
  • Passive Aggressive Coworker: “OMG! Relax! I didn’t mean that personally!”
  • (What’s Implied: I definitely meant that personally. However, I don’t want to take responsibility for it. I’d prefer to continue to project my own insecurities onto other people to reinforce the fragile facade of my imaginary superiority.)
  • You: “I’m going to become an Alaskan bush person. They never seem to have to deal with shit like this.”

If you find yourself confused about the intentions of someone that you suspect to be passive aggressive, there are certain tells that will give them away. Pamela Meyer is an author and fraud expert widely regarded as the nation’s authority on lying. Meyer believes that deceptive individuals tend to be much more calculating about their words than their body language. So, body language is what gives them away.

Duping Delight

This is the term for the self-satisfied smile that sociopaths often display while denying a wrongdoing. It’s somewhat reflexive. It’s as though the person is so pleased with their own cleverness that they just can’t hide it. Passive aggressive individuals often demonstrate this with a smirk.

In the world of deception spotters like Pamela Meyer, Duping Delight is a form of leakage. This is the moment when a deceptive person “breaks character” and their true feelings are revealed via facial expressions. Passive aggressive individuals will often betray their intent with a little smirk as if to say “Gotcha!” After all, what fun is being sneaky and clever if you can’t take credit for it? That’s what the smirk is. It’s the passive aggressive person’s subconscious way of showing off.

Sarcasm

The term sarcasm has its origins in the Greek word ‘sarkazein’ which literally translates into ‘strips off the flesh.’ If someone enjoys a little sideways humor, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to tear you to pieces. However, sometimes it does!

  • You: (Arriving late to a meeting, self-conscious and hoping no one notices)
  • Passive Aggressive Coworker: “Well look who decided to join us.”
  • (What’s Implied: You’re unprofessional and I want to call attention to it.)
  • You: (Later on) “I really wish you didn’t say that to me in front of everyone. It was embarrassing.”
  • Passive Aggressive Coworker: (Big smirk on their face) “I was just kidding around! No one really cares.”

Passive aggressive behavior is very subjective. We can’t always be clear about the intentions of another person from a single interaction. Everyone engages a little differently depending upon their personality. I have plenty of friends and colleagues who are very sarcastic people and have proven themselves to be extremely loyal and trustworthy over the years.

Managing Passive Aggressive Interactions

What’s most important is to pay attention to patterns of interaction and how someone’s actions match their words over time. Passive aggressive people are often duplicitous. That means that they consistently say things that are different from what they mean. When we start to pick up on that pattern in people, it’s time to realize that they are not trustworthy. Rule #1: ‘DON’T CONFIDE IN OR TRUST PEOPLE WHO ACT THIS WAY.’

It’s very important to pay attention to explicit and implicit communication with people who are passive-aggressive or manipulative in general.

  • Explicit Statement (what is stated directly): “The reason I didn’t get back with you is that I never saw your email.”
  • (What’s Implied: I dismissed the email because it wasn’t important to me, and I didn’t feel like dealing with it. Now, I’m going to lie about it because I have no integrity.)

If this type of interaction is a pattern, it should be addressed directly. The goal is to make implicit communication into explicit communication.

Explicit Response to the email thing: “This isn’t the first time I’ve emailed you without a response. I’d really like to prevent this from happening again. Can you help me out?”

What you say is a lot less important than making sure that you say something!

The important point is to challenge implied messages that are passive aggressive. Challenging the behavior is disruptive to passive aggressive operators. They may continue to be deceptive, but it will be more difficult to act passive aggressively once the communication is made explicit. This is always the rule with passive aggressive operators. The strength of passive aggressive manipulation is based in its covertness. We can’t allow ourselves to get caught up in sarcasm, deceit, innuendo and avoidance. We will be most effective when we are direct and clear at all times.

Don’t play their game, make them play yours.

Emotional and social difficulties can really wreak havoc on a person’s mental health. Therapeutic interventions can not only help individuals deal with the fallout from these types of environments, but also help that person come to a meaningful conclusion and recognition that their experience is valid. Passive aggressive behavior at work can often leave workers wondering whether they really heard or interpreted correctly, leading them to question their own perceptions. In modern casual terms, this is known as gaslighting.

If you are struggling, contact Eric Bricker LMHC today