The term ‘gaslighting’ was awarded 2022’s “word of the year” by Merriam-Webster.com after consistently ranking among the reference website’s 50 most popular search terms throughout the year. For those of you who don’t stay current with online dictionary trends, ‘gaslighting’ refers to a form of psychological manipulation. The abuser knowingly tries to get the victim to doubt their subjective reality. It’s usually a pattern in emotionally abusive relationships, and it causes a lot of harm over time. It’s also a behavior associated with individuals who have narcissistic personality disorder.
What does it say about the current state of human interaction that there has been so much recent fascination with these terms? To me, it sounds like a lot of people are being fucked with. The problem with words like gaslighting and narcissist is that once they get adopted into the mainstream, they become watered down through overuse. It’s frightening how often I hear these terms being casually thrown around and misused in conversation. Not everyone who manipulates is a gaslighting narcissist. Some of them are just assholes.
Not all manipulation is gaslighting. It’s far more nuanced than that. I’m not trying to invalidate anyone’s experience. I’ve known my share of malignant narcissists and I’ve treated victims. These relationships do a lot of harm. All I’m saying is that maybe we should stop using Instagram memes to diagnose our shitty friends. You know what would be more useful? New friends.
In an era where manipulation has become an epidemic social contagion, people need solutions. In this series of short essays, I’ll be reviewing a few of my favorite manipulative techniques and some defensive strategies for dealing with people who operate this way. It doesn’t matter whether the person is narcissist, sociopath, or just a passive aggressive douchebag. You’re always better off if you just pay attention to how they make you feel and focus on becoming less vulnerable to manipulative traps.
Rule #1: You either learn how to say “No,” or commit to a lifetime of unreasonable compromises. There is no third option.
“No” means that we must learn to tolerate the anxiety of disapproval. That is the price we pay for freedom. Here’s why. The tactic of deliberately withholding approval is itself manipulative. Fear, shame, and doubt are weaponized by manipulative people to control the behavior of others. If the manipulator knows that you care, they’ll never let you off the hook. Compromising with manipulative people is ineffective if the goal is to make them like you. They don’t give a shit about any of that. They’re just looking for the quickest path to get what they want from you.
Instilling fear is manipulation 101. The prodigy has mastered that skill by the time he or she is six years old. You see them in restaurants all over South Florida, working their parents like marionettes. Here’s an example of the type of artistry you might observe from a young master as he continues to hone his craft. “Father, go back to the car and fetch my iPad, or I’m going to turn Panera Bread into a fucking prison riot.”
With the other unsuspecting patrons’ dining experience hanging in the balance, Dad has no choice but to succumb to the demands of the young tyrant. He looks on helplessly as the pup sharpens his fangs to press his advantage. “Now gimme some more money for Roblox, Bitch!” If you think that’s bad, wait five years until this kid starts ordering shit off the dark web. I dare you to try to take his iPhone away then. That little bastard is going to jump on your ass like a rabid racoon that got trapped in a trash can.
Look, I’ll be honest with you. Dealing with feral children isn’t really my area of expertise, but I know a little bit. It’s all about early intervention. Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems. Accept that this child is not going to spontaneously grow out of the behavior. It’s called adaptive coping. People don’t suddenly abandon behavior that has proven effective in getting their needs met. They just become more sophisticated through practice. I think that’s part of natural selection. Ok, from here on out, I’m going to stay in my lane which is helping adults resolve trauma and deal with complex interpersonal issues.
Dealing with Manipulators Who Like to Say “They said.”
This manipulative tactic is particularly effective for instilling paranoia and breaking confidence. It occurs when a manipulator resorts to bringing absent people into a disagreement to lend credibility to their self-serving argument. Essentially, this person is trying to create the illusion that others disapprove of our actions. The idea that people are judging us behind our backs is very unsettling. That’s precisely the point. The manipulator uses the subtle threat of rejection to foster insecurity and doubt. Ultimately, they want to persuade us toward some course of action even if they don’t say it directly. It’ll sound something like this:
“You should know that a lot of people think you’re making a big mistake.”
or
“Everyone is saying that you overreacted.” or “You know this is having an impact on your professional reputation, right?” or “Those guys are not happy with you right now.”
That comment will often be followed with some disingenuous claim about how the manipulative person ‘has your back.’
“You have no idea how many times I’ve had to cover for you.” or “I’m not sure how long I can keep covering for you.”
Here are some suggestions for dealing with this. These are by no means perfect, but they’re probably better than what you’re doing now. If someone is trying to influence you by bringing non-present people into a discussion, this is what you do:
- NEVER ASK WHAT WAS SAID. NEVER ASK WHO SAID IT. Remember, you are being baited. If you start asking questions, that gives the manipulator an opportunity to go to work by distorting the truth and pulling you in further. It’s all about keeping you off balance, so that you ultimately get flustered and give in. The longer the conversation, the harder it is to disengage. No matter how anxious you become, maintain a position of disinterest.
- No nervous babbling. When a moth is caught in a spider’s web, it desperately flaps its wings which further ensnares the moth. Do you want to get eaten by a spider? Anything you say is going to be twisted against you. Remember that. Say less. That’s the motto. This may result in a somewhat lengthy and uncomfortable silence. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into filling the empty space with unnecessary words.
The proper response is “Thanks for letting me know” or “I’ll give that some thought” or “I’ll take it up with them.” Use as few words as possible and bring the conversation to an end. That’s what you do. Don’t ask questions. Don’t offer excuses. You don’t have to explain yourself to anybody. Sounds cool, right? It is. You’ll see.
Read part two of this series to learn about passive aggression in the workplace and how passive aggressive people veil their hostility through plausible deniability.
